Some Nights

Some Nights
I just want to stare at the dark sky, point my finger at the stars and count them
I just want to free myself from the expectations that weigh down on me
I just want to be free, free to tell myself I can dream
Some Nights
I see myself living the dreams that left me besotted in slumber
I feel like I showed persistence in every aspect of a reality far, far away
I touched what was real even if it was unreal
Some nights

Some Nights
I am iridescent of joy
I am personified crystallised happiness
I am a pulsating vein of unbridled good feelings, pumping away with no cessation
Some Nights
I am the ‘Baba Yaga’ Russian folks tell to scare kids
A mood dampener, a hovering cloud hanging over your head heavy with rains of melancholy
The antithesis of happiness, I am drunk on misery
Some Nights

Some Nights
I ponder about what my life could have been
I ask if I have passed the point of no return
Whether I have strayed beyond the confines of fate
Some Nights
I express curiosity at  what I could have done to lay before me, a path that aligns with predestination
I see I could have done nothing
That, ultimately, it defeats the very concept of preordainment
Some Nights

Some Nights
I carry unworthy thoughts seated in a palanquin, across the vastness of space (mind).
The conception of these, I know not whence they come neither do I know whither they go
I ask how this person is capable of the greatest good and the unholiest evil
Some Nights
The equilibrium floats untouched inward
Inside me, I sense an abiding bedlam and a balancing order
I witness a unifying power of two extremes resident in me, a basis for being
Some nights

Some Nights
I wrestle with my fragility and mortality as a human
I have to decide whether my life in the end will have meaning or if everything is meaningless
I wonder if I have enough time to spare
Some nights
All that subsists is how I die
I ask if I succumb to the stereotypy surrounding gunslinging outlaws in the Wild West
I ask if I will bow out old and grey, wrapped by the warmth and radiance emanating from the smiling visages of my progeny
Some nights

I look forward to yet another night
I sit in anticipation of what thought will enrapture my night vigil
I wonder what new information will come to light this night
I pray I have more nights till all that rests inside is alright

Some nights